Friday, October 7, 2016

Tip # 3- Let Your Kids See You Cry (Really, it's Okay)


                I wish to all that is holy, that people would stop expecting mothers to be perfect all the time.  I wish there were never any condescending smiles and fake sympathy from childless people watching you herd small children through the grocery store, sweaty and bedraggled as they whine and stomp like candy-craving dinosaurs.

                How many of us would come through endless round-the-clock parenting of unreasonable little people unscathed? Not very many, and those who do usually hire help.  I haven't curled my hair or bothered with everyday makeup in years, and I am well aware that my new mom curves fill out these yoga pants more than they used to.  In fact, I am painfully aware of it. Believe me, I would love nothing more than to put myself together and clean house, finding time to cook something homemade and domestically spectacular as a Norman Rockwell painting.  .

               Trying to please everyone is exhausting and heart-breaking.  So in order to survive, we have to let some things go.  Designer fashions, leisurely morning coffee, hair and makeup primping, all have been dropped in favor of making sure my children are fed, clean, and happy.  It's a massive task we've undertaken, preparing the next generation for a world that is horrifyingly broken and scary. 

So why is everyone surprised when we break down and cry once in awhile?

              If you're a mom, you've probably heard such well-meaning but condescending phrases such as "You'll miss all this someday," or "What do you have to be stressed about?", or my personal favorite "Oh, but the time goes by fast!".  Um, no, no it doesn't.  Not when you're in the trenches every single day, no breaks, no days off.  The sleep deprivation alone is enough to break one's spirit, thank you very much.

              And while most of the time we soldier on, putting on our tired smiles when asked if the kids are "keeping us busy", inside we are breaking down.  We want to scream, cry, laugh insanely, and long for a deep, reassuring hug from someone, anyone who sees our struggle.

              When I first became a mom, I was very careful not to cry in front of my daughter.  I would put her down in her crib to scream for a few minutes so I could hide in the laundry room and cry hysterically for 5 minutes.  But then, it became too much to try and keep up a front for my child and husband as well as everyone else.

               So I cried.

               I cried in the car, in the bathroom, while cleaning, fixing dinner, or most often curled up in the fetal position on the couch.  And when my sweet toddler would ask Mommy what was wrong, I would look right at her, smile, and tell her the truth- that Mommy needs to cry once in awhile to feel better, even if she doesn't have an owie.  Nowadays, Evie doesn't get worried and just brings Mommy tissues.

               You see, the act of crying is a release of tension, not a sign of weakness.  It's letting off the extra stress and toxic crud that makes us break down from the inside out.  Don't we always feel better after, more in control?  Of course! Then why should any mom feel ashamed for crying?

               And when our children see that we are not ashamed to cry, that it's a normal, healthy action, they won't be ashamed to do it, either.  Instead, they will learn that it's a perfectly acceptable display of one's feelings, and might even reach out to comfort those they see doing it.  It's at the heart of the most important lesson I could ever teach them:

              Kindness matters.

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