Priorities

I almost didn't put this picture here.  I hate how I look in it; bags under my eyes, mess hair, and these faint neck-folds that can oh so easily become a double chin.  I was still pregnant in this picture, and Evie and I were tearing up the kitchen making bread dough.

But screw it, this is the reality of motherhood.

In retrospect, it was so much easier to make time for Evie before this baby, and now that Katie Beth is here, my time is stretched way too thin.  Lately I've been guilty of snatching what little time I have after breastfeeding, diapers, loads of laundry, and trying to catch up on sleep before Jon goes back to work.  Trouble is, that little scrap of time is usually wasted on Facebook or video games. 

There was one shocking realization tonight as I was putting clothes away that the only time I really talk to my older daughter lately is to yell at or scold her.  I seem hell bent on retreating into my own comfortable little fantasy world instead of staying in the moment with my family.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't all been bad.  This morning, after two miraculous 3-hour stretches of baby sleeping, I felt close to human.  I was out of bed at 8, had breakfast and coffee with Evie and Jon while the baby slept on.  I didn't pick up my phone, and I resisted the urge to check and make sure Katie Beth wasn't in a coma.  We were just together, talking and starting the day in a way I have so missed.  Even before the baby, wild horses couldn't drag my pregnant butt out of bed until absolutely necessary!

In all honesty, last night was probably a fluke.  Katie Beth is only a month old, and I know darn well breastfed babies at this age wake more often to feed at night.  And thanks to my ridiculous breasts and their fast letdown, the poor kid practically drowns in milk at every feeding.  So there's the volcanic spit up to deal with as well. 

I know I had a resolution to write every day, but I have to confess that I've played hookey the last two days.  Couldn't even write down a recipe or a simple question or sentence.  Nothing, zero, zilch.  And while I've been busy with the noble-sounding work of being a wife and mother, I can't help but reflect on how much time I spent doing those unimportant things that really don't build me up at all.

Mothers struggle to find balance in their lives, and all of us need a passion, hobby, or focus that is just for ourselves.  We all need something to help us stay anchored in the beautiful chaos that is motherhood.  Some knit, some volunteer, some do yoga or Zumba, and some of us write.  One of the things I love best about writing is that you don't have to be a novelist or journalist to do it- you just have to write. 

So I'm done beating myself up over the last two days, and I'm still looking for my balance.  While I can't promise I'll never play Skyrim again, I can promise to try to live more in the moment with the people I love the best.  Sharing those moments, good and bad, on this page is a pretty nice incentive to do so. 

After all, you really don't want to hear about my dungeon raid, do you?