Recently, the "breastfeeding issue", which is a ridiculous term in and of itself, has been brought more into the light. Between the rise of nurse-ins, "brelfies", and news stories about mothers asked to leave public venues because of said breastfeeding, this has been on my mind. Not to mention the fact that by the end of 2015, I will for the second time enter into the breastfeeding journey with the birth of my second daughter.
The irony with some people's opinions, is that they're all for breastfeeding when it's done in private, or covered, ect, but at the first sign of a mom openly doing it, LOOK OUT! All of a sudden the sky starts falling, people start covering their children's eyes, and wives start blindfolding their husbands for fear they will be exposed to the spectacle of a mother feeding a hungry baby.
I think a good part of this reaction is rooted in a lack of knowledge and understanding, so let me see if I can address some of the more common questions and arguments made in opposition to open breastfeeding.
1) Why can't you just be discreet? You know, use a cover?
Okay, we'll start with an easy one. I used a lightweight cover in the very beginning with my first daughter, and thankfully she did okay with it. It had this nifty wire along the top so you could prop it open like a tent and look down and see the baby. However, this was when she was under a month old, and could barely hold her head up, let alone use her arms and legs.
This all changed.
Most babies find being under a blanket or cover stuffy and hot and uncomfortable, and will actively fight or tear it off. So before you think this a simple solution, try bottle-feeding a baby under a blanket while they use their octopus limbs to thrash and squirm around. Oh, and be sure to keep your chest covered from all possible viewing angles! Short answer- it's extremely uncomfortable for both mom and baby, and while all this noise and battling is going on, you could be just feeding said baby quietly while possibly making complete strangers uncomfortable.
Which would you rather do? Better yet, which would you rather put up with in public? Hmm, think I'll side with the screaming, hungry infant who just wants some milk.
2) Why can't you just plan ahead by pumping milk and bringing it with you?
Ho, boy, this is a good one. First off, when you're towing along a baby, especially if you've already got other kids, even a simple outing to the grocery store is like planning a marathon. Not only does everyone need to be clean, dressed, shoes on, hair brushed, ect., but you have to pack what amounts to a small vacation's worth of snacks, sippy cups, diaper bags, toys, and changes of clothes. It's pretty hard to do all that plus sit down for twenty or thirty minutes and pump.
Also, keep in mind that some moms do great with pumps, others do not. The natural jaw and mouth motion of a baby is way more effective in drawing milk out than a pump, more often than not. So a mom who has no problem breastfeeding might pump for an hour and only get an ounce or two, and with a growing baby, that just ain't enough.
I should add that for longer trips, breast milk has to be kept in a cooler, because unlike formula, it can go off if left out for too long. So there's another bag to be lugging around.
3) What about formula?
Sometimes I do envy those moms strolling around Wal-Mart, casually propping a bottle up for their baby while they breeze around and shop. Sometimes I wish I had a detachable third boob so I could do the same thing, instead of sitting down somewhere and praying that people don't stare or comment while I feed my baby.
But here's the thing- if I'd wanted to formula feed my baby, I would've certainly done so from the beginning. It would've saved me the pain of rock-hard boobs and raw nipples, and the exhaustion of getting up four times a night to be the "milk wagon" for my baby. In addition to the WHO (World Health Organization)'s recommendation that mothers breastfeed for 2 years or beyond, breastmilk contains a load of antibiotics, antivirals, growth hormones, and other nutrients that science has not been able to replicate.
Also, some babies have tummy issues with formula, and the few colic episodes we had were bad enough. Convenience aside, I'll gladly take the sleep deprivation and staring to do what's best for my little one.
4) Can't you just do it at home?
Ah, those annoying moms, always feeding out in public without any consideration for others? Why don't they just stay home?
You mean, like I do....EVERY DAY? Why of course! I haven't set foot outside my house in a week, but if it makes you feel less icky, I'll gladly continue my hermit status! Of course moms don't want to stay at home with their babies all the time, we need to get out! We're not asking to go clubbing every night, but to go out to lunch even once or twice a week, or shopping for something other than diapers is BLISS for us.
Plus, it keeps us from going insane and ending up on the six-o-clock news. Seriously, you wouldn't ask anyone else to isolate themselves for such a long period without social interaction, would you? It's all about finding a balance in life, and moms are no different.
On a side note, ever tried reasoning out a feeding schedule with an infant? It's a short conversation.
5) But isn't that indecent exposure or something?
No, it is not indecent exposure, because it is a mother feeding her child. She is not pulling her shirt up and flashing the whole food court. In fact, in 48 states, state law protects the right of mothers to breastfeed their babies anywhere the mother is authorized to be. Here's how Arkansas's law reads:
"20-27-2001. Breastfeeding in public.
A woman may breastfeed a child in a public place or any place where other individuals are present.
The 2007 law also amended the AR indecency law (Code 5-14-112) to provide protection from prosecution for indecent exposure."
-www.healthyarkansas.gov
6) What about other people's kids? Think of the children!
I am thinking of the children, not just mine but others. Most young kids don't understand what a woman's breasts are really for, so maybe this "embarassing" moment is actually a teaching opportunity in disguise. Maybe instead of herding children away from the sight and towards that big Victoria's Secret ad, you could instead explain briefly that some babies get milk from their mommy's breasts. And then they go, "Oh, okay!" and that's the end of it.
Kids learn more from their parents than anyone, and if they learn to view breasts only as sexual objects meant to be displayed or played with or shamed, then that is all they will know. Think of how many television ads and movie trailers parade cleavage around without anyone saying they should be ashamed. By the same logic, you should also keep your children away from public beaches, boardwalks, ect., where women (and some men) blatantly display cleavage.
In short, it is not my responsibility to educate your children on the original purpose of the female breast, though I don't mind answering questions should they ask. It's yours.
7) What about other women's husbands? Think of the men!
Okay, kids staring I can understand. They may not have seen it before, or don't understand what's going on. That's fine. Grown men are another matter. I fully understand and accept the knee-jerk reaction men have around breasts. Heck, I married one, and I can't get changed or get in the shower without some ogling (not that I mind!).
However, if I am wearing a low-cut top in the summer (which I do sometimes these days, being pregnant and hot), and a man persists in staring, I will be sorely tempted to politely ask him not to.
I would equate it to a man wearing shorts or fitting jeans and staring at his butt or crotch. Is it rude? Yes. Does it still happen? Yes.
Now switch gears to sitting out in public feeding a child. I live in a small town, so looks are kind of inevitable and I don't get mad when it's just that. If I'm out feeding my baby next year and a man is staring at my breasts, I plan on striking up a conversation. Nothing biting or harsh, just small talk about the weather and such. Hopefully he'll snap out of it enough to remember his manners, and realize that I'm just making sure my baby gets some milk.
In the end my goal is not to beat down men or whatever. Instead, I want to educate them and show that breasts are for more than just funsies. His thoughts and actions are his to control, not mine. So if your husband stares, feel free to say something to him and have a discussion about how it makes you feel.
If not? I might just start chatting with him about the weather, or how the Rangers are doing this year.
8) Can't you just go into the bathroom and do that?
I'm by no means a germaphobe, but public bathrooms do gross me out a little. And unless you're in a really nice place, the only place to sit is on the same seat where hundreds, if not thousands, of butts have eliminated waste in the past. Now, put yourself in a mom's shoes. You've got this precious, helpless little baby you're trying to keep healthy and happy, and you're staring down the mouth of a public toilet. Do you just grit your teeth and sit down so you can feed your baby? Or, do you go back out to the restaurant, or the store, or wherever, and feed your baby in a place where she's less likely to catch a staph infection?
Personally, I would much rather risk a few stares. If it makes you that uncomfortable, imagine taking your plate into the restroom and sitting down and eating. Pretty gross, huh?
Now, other places have these great comfy chairs or little couches to sit on, and I am all over that. But these places are still kind of rare, unfortunately.
9) Well if you can whip a breast out, then why can't I pee/poop/have sex/take my privates out in public?
First off, I have never seen a breastfeeding mom "just whip it out". A lot of moms even use two shirts or a nursing top that unbuttons to just expose the nipple area, so that once baby's head is there, you see...NOTHING. We have no interest in flashing our stretch-marked, sore boobs for your enjoyment. Sorry.
This argument is probably the most juvenile, idiotic thing I've come across. To compare feeding a hungry baby to eliminating waste or pleasuring yourself in public is ludicrous at best, and perverted at worst. Breastfeeding is legal and sanitary, the other stuff is definitely not.
Think about it this way- would you feed your child with your pee, poop, or semen? Of course not!n And if you STILL can't see the difference, sounds like you're the one with the problem.
10) If your baby is X months old, why are you still breastfeeding? You should stop!
While it's true that the AAP (American Association of Pediatrics) recommends breastfeeding exclusively for at least 6 months, there is no maximum cap. The nutritional benefits of breastfeeding continue through age 2 and beyond.
Some babies decide they're done with the breast sooner, as in the case of my daughter. Around 7 months, we started introducing basic foods like rice cereal, teething cookies, fruit and veggie puree, ect. She would breastfeed once or twice during the day, try these other goodies, and breastfeed once or twice at night. I let her decide when she was ready, and by 10 or 11 months, she stopped wanting the breast at night, too.
I'm a big supporter of moms deciding what they think is best for their own children, and of course I trust my babies to know when they're ready for certain things. Like solid foods, or potty training (pray for me on that one!). I might not have breastfed past 2, but I most certainly will not criticize a mom who does. Because she's the one raising her kids, not me.
11) Do you HAVE to do that in church?
Okay, this is kind of a specific one, and here's why: Although I haven't yet had to breastfeed in church, I would like to think that a group of loving, accepting Christians would do their best to make a new mom feel comfortable bringing her babies to church, even if they privately don't agree with the act itself.
I would rather quietly feed my baby than disrupt OUR Sunday service with crying and fussing that just makes everyone (including me) awkward.
Just like going to the store or the park or any other public place, I'd like to think that having babies doesn't mean I give up my right to come to church to worship. Personally, I believe God can be worshiped anywhere, in any circumstance, but that doesn't mean I don't want to give up seeing my church family. And what is family for, if not to support and love one another?
Besides, everyone in the Bible (including Jesus) was breastfed. And you didn't see the Wise Men or Joseph telling Mary to "cover up".
12) Well, maybe you're just a weirdo exhibitionist who LIKES being stared at!
I don't deny being a bit of a weirdo, but am definitely not an exhibitionist. Think about it, what new mom do you know who walks around flaunting her stretch marks, saggy butt, saggy belly, or C-section scar like she's the hottest chick ever? Not to mention the dark eye circles, half-brushed hair, unshaved legs, and mismatched socks, because let's face it, this is what most new moms look like.
We are mind-blowingly tired, and after a week at home with a newborn, desperate to get out of the house despite how scary and frumpy we might look. And so we crawl cautiously out of our homes to venture to the coffee shop or Wal-Mart in hopes of a little fresh air and sunlight. Exhibitionist? HA!
Let me add another fun feature to this picture, one you might not know of since you obviously haven't bothered to try this yourself or bother asking a breastfeeding mom what' it's like:
Breastfeeding hurts. Period. A few days after birth, while your body is already torn up and stretched beyond belief, your breasts become rock-hard and swollen so badly all you want to do is pump and cry. Sometimes simultaneously. I vividly recall standing in the shower sobbing for the fourth time in a day, letting the hot water hit my breasts and praying beyond all hope it would get easier.
This pain is terrible, now attach a hungry infant to your nipple and let them suckle for a half hour each side (bonus pain points if the baby is having trouble latching or learning to suckle). Repeat this process ten to twelve times a day for a few weeks.
Still think we're doing this because we're getting our jollies? Think again.
13) What about going out to your car, where it's nice and private?
To be fair, I've actually done this one on longer road trips when my daughter got fussy. Because let's face it, baby's gotta eat when a baby's gotta eat. Sometimes I've even done it in the backseat of the Jeep while in a parking lot before we go in, because that's when she decided she was hungry.
Now, if I am in the middle of grocery shopping, or some other errand, it's a different kettle of fish. Going out to the car means gathering up all the bags and luggage, gathering up the kids, and herding them all back out to said car. Then keeping them entertained while I feed baby, then hauling everything and everyone back inside. Running errands is exhausting enough, thank you.
Also, in the middle of winter or summer, or in the rain? Not so fun. If you're truly upset, you can take your food and go out to your car and eat.
In Conclusion:
Now, given all the difficulties both physical, mental, and social, you might ask yourself, "Why would any SANE person CHOOSE to keep doing this???"
If you've ever had a baby of your own, ever carried her inside you and felt her kicks, then undergone hours or days of pain to bring them into the world, then looked at this beautiful, helpless wrinkled person you created.
Well, in that moment, there isn't anything you wouldn't do for that child. Every step of the way with my daughter, there was no question in my mind that I would take on any discomfort or pain to make her healthy and happy.
I used to care greatly about how other people saw me, and now I've got this little person who depends on me for everything, looks up to me every day, and makes me both insane and joyful at the same time. Now that I've got this incredible little lady and another one on the way, somehow the way other people see me doesn't seem nearly as important as it used to.
Because children are a precious gift from God, and mine are the center of my world and my family.
I will now and always respect the right of others to have opinions and voices, but you are not the center of my world or my family. They are.
Since this was meant to be a FAQ, I would like to open up the comments section to any and all questions, comments, stories, ect. I want to hear what all you out there on social media think of this particular issue, which I hope years from now will no longer be referred to as an "issue".
